Waiting for the storm to pass…?

My intentions of getting back into writing a blog everyday didn’t happen, it seems that life sometimes overtakes everything else.

My phone (which is my sole place for writing the blog) gave up the ghost, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and was struggling to get through each day let alone writing about it, and then to top it all, I had shingles.

To be honest, this year so far has been a pretty difficult one, and had I not been able to take the two weeks that I’m currently in the middle of, off work, I’m not sure I could have kept going.

I still miss Nicci very much, I miss our late night chats, reminiscing and imagining what we’d be like as old ladies, and laughing at stupid things together. Don’t get me wrong, I have also made some wonderful new friends this year, but that doesn’t stop the pain of losing your best friend to suicide.

This may sound a very melancholy blog, but actually it’s intertwined with joy, it’s like the darkness is needed for the bright colours to show more, or you don’t appreciate the joy without experiencing the sadness.

There’s been deep sadness in my life this year, and times I’ve wondered if I’d get through, but I’m still here, still fighting for joy, and yes, there has been times of wonderful joy too…

  • I’ve laughed uncontrollably over stupid things, crying from laughing so much
  • I’ve had my boys tell me how much they love me
  • Seen my youngest do so well in his school production (in reception the teacher was having to coax him out from under the table, year 6 and he’s delivering his lines with tons of confidence)
  • Been to the beach, painted rocks and left them for others to find
  • I’ve sang a duet for the first time in nearly 40 years, and sang with a fabulous singer and person (and she’s still talking to me so it can’t have been too bad!)

The following quote really resonates with me now…


I’m learning to dance in the rains of life….I’m also looking for the rainbows 🙂

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Real life….19th June 2018

I haven’t posted for days (a couple of weeks even). Mainly because I don’t think that I have anything to say of any worth.

But then, I think that’s the point. This blog was to keep track of ups and downs of real, everyday life. Sometimes that is monotonous, sometimes exciting, other times I may struggle to get anything done, have no motivation or may have good ideas (it happens occasionally).

So real life today is that I’ve been okay…. Just that; not good, not bad, but okay.

I woke up today thinking of Nicci, I don’t know why, (for those of you who don’t know, she was my best friend who died in January this year). I miss her. Don’t get me wrong, I still have good friends, fab friends, but they aren’t Nicci. I miss our our chats, our laughter, the fact that we were like sisters, we knew each other so well….I miss everything.

Life does still go on, but it changes, it’s never the same again. This year has been one of huge changes, and loss of a number of people I considered friends. I’m one of those people who loves wholeheartedly and that does tend to leave me prone to being hurt, which has occurred on quite numerous occasions this year.

Anyway, sorry I haven’t been blogging. I will try to get back into the habit, even if it’s just a couple of lines.

Thanks for your patience.

A few hours in the life of a harressed mum

It’s 6:30am, I fumble under the pillow trying to stop the music eminating from my phone that is my wake up alarm, I snooze it, desperately grasping at another 10 minutes sleep, it evades me and slowly my mind wakes, shortly followed by my body.

It’s 6:50am and I’m stood in the kitchen making three packed lunches, but every one has to be slightly different….with/without ham, dairylea triangle/grated cheese, wotsits/monster munch….constant interruptions “mum, where’s my tie?”, “mum, what are you doing?” (Really? I stood making sandwiches and he can’t tell what I’m doing!?), “mum, can I have….?” and so on.

It’s just gone 7:00am…time to get myself sorted. I go to the bathroom and almost trip over the cats who are after food, after detour to feed the cats I make my way back to the bathroom. All the while I’m in there I’m batting back answers…”mum, can I go to club tonight?”, “mum, where’s the money I raised?”, “mum, can you sign my form?”.

7:30am, I’m finally dressed and ready. Back to hunting for that elusive tie…as he goes out the door I spot it on the chair, I grab it and go after him….too late, he’s on the school bus and it’s just pulling away.

I go back in and put the tie on the radiator so he will find it tonight. The other one is still inside, watching the end of something or other on TV, but not for long, we need to leave at 7:45am to take him to the childminder’s home and then onto work before 8:30am.

Today it seems that the roads are full of Sunday drivers even though it’s Monday. Leaving the childminder’s I find myself behind an elderly man who seems unsure of where he is going, so instead of driving near the speed limit of 30 mph, it is just above 10 mph, a cyclist passes him on the inside, (lucky sod) I’m stuck, there’s only one lane each way on this road. After what seems like an eternity he turns off. Yay! I can actually put the car into 3rd gear!

I turn onto the dual carriageway and finally get to blast along at 70 mph for a while, making up the time lost behind Mr Go Slow.

At 8:31am I arrive and sign in at work. I sit at my desk, but just as I’m signing into the computer, I get asked if I can cover my colleague for 10/15 minutes, (she is in our upstairs office today, while I am based in the downstairs office), I leave my stuff on the desk and head upstairs.

As my colleague is waiting for a visitor, I decide to get everything ready for her for when she comes back up. I get together the diary (after hunting high and low), put the mobile on charge and get the box files that are needed for the day. Another member of staff brings in a cup of tea, but it’s not for me, it’s for my colleague who is downstairs.

The doors open at 9:00am and the public are in, I make my way back downstairs….the start of a busy day and hopefully a cuppa awaits.

Fast-forward to 4:40pm

I’m in the car and about to head home. I decide to call to the shop and get something for tomorrow’s lunch. I gather a few bits in my basket and head to the checkouts – there are fully laden trollies at all five checkouts. I join what appears to be the shortest queue behind a mum with a young child. She is close to tearing her hair out…I smile at her and try to engage the young child so that she can sort her shopping, she smiles back grateful. She kindly says that I can go ahead as she has so much shipping and will be a while. I thank her and move forward. I remember my children like that and used to get just as stressed. I offer a magazine to the child, they hold it like it is treasure…it gives mum a minute or two and that’s what she needs to keep going.

I get home at the same time as dad with the youngest (eldest is already home as the school bus gets home before us). As we walk in, I hear the inevitable “What’s for tea?”, I put my bag down and head to the kitchen to start what I think is my other job (the one not paid with money, but love…. sometimes!).

Tea made and eaten, I sit down, grateful to switch off for half hour. I don’t know how those other mum’s do it, I’m knackered just trying to get through the day. To then do all sorts of activities with the kids, take them to clubs and friends houses and to still have a life themselves….they really are miracle workers in my eyes.

The closest I get to being wonder woman is that I wonder where I left my keys, if I’ll ever get to the bottom of the washing pile or how will I make the shopping budget stretch further again this week?!

What to write??

Sorry I’ve not been posting regularly for the last couple of weeks, truth be told I’m struggling to write at the moment.

I think it may be because I am genuinely in need of a holiday. It takes everything I’ve got just to do what I have to and get through each day….not because I’m miserable, I’m quite content, but I’m exhausted all the time.

Then, when I come to trying to write my blog, I’m not only physically exhausted, I’m also mentally and emotionally spent.

I’m lying on the bed looking around the room for inspiration, the paper on the one wall looks like an Instagram collage and it’s telling me DREAM. I can’t even seem to do that at the moment….of course it would help if I could sleep, it seems insomnia is still my companion. Normally I’m pretty good at daydreaming too, but I’m not even doing that at the moment.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain why I’m not posting as much at the moment. I’m sure I will get back to it soon, in the meantime, thank you for your patience and for still looking in.

Are you an Octopus?

It’s been said on more than one occasion that you find your true friends when you have nothing to give but your friendship. Who actually hangs around then?

I’ve found it’s quite often been the last people I would expect. People that I’ve had little to do with, who are the ones who step up and tell me “I’m here for you anytime you need” and actually are. People I thought of as friends were actually just appearing as friends.

I love the following quote because it’s true, some friends come into your life and go again (like the waves) and then the second part because it makes me laugh and it’s true, the is no shaking off real friends.

I am very fortunate that I have the friends I have, people who accept me as I am, who encourage me (and give me a kick up the bum when needed), who see the good in me and who are there for me.

I would like to say that I hope I am as good a friend back, and I’m here for you 24/7 (but you may have to get me a cuppa before I’m coherent 😜 if it’s late or very early!).

Apologies

Feeling rather tired tonight. It’s been a busy day in work and even though my body is refusing to move more than absolutely necessary, my mind is still racing so fast that I can’t grab hold of any of my thoughts!

I guess some people might say I’m overtired. Whatever you call it, I’m still not able to get to sleep.

I’m also not really having any real thought of what to write, and as I don’t want to just give you rubbish to read, I may miss a day or two sometimes.

So, yet again, apologies. I’m hoping to be able to write and post more again soon, but please forgive me when I don’t post.

Lots of life is made up of tiny moments that don’t really mean anything to anyone but yourself, so I don’t think you’d want to be reading that.

So, for tonight I’ll say good night and hope I can sleep soon.

Insomnia

Insomnia, what is it? It’s what I’m experiencing right now! Sorry, I’m frustrated yet again. I always thought of insomnia as not sleeping, and yes, that can be it, but it’s more. Some symptoms are listed below:

  • Difficulty falling asleep despite being tired
  • Waking up frequently during the night
  • Trouble getting back to sleep when awakened
  • Unrefreshing sleep
  • Relying on sleeping pills or alcohol to fall asleep
  • Waking up too early in the morning
  • Daytime drowsiness, fatigue, or irritability
  • Difficulty concentrating during the day

I used to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but not now…. I’m too hot, too cold, uncomfortable, restless….you name it, I’m probably feeling it.

It is affecting my ability to concentrate and get things done too (this blog was meant to go out yesterday, but I just couldn’t get anything down).

I’m doing all I can to sleep…..dark room (well, until I give up on trying to sleep and switch on the phone again) quiet and cool room, I write down things to do/thoughts, have a warm drink before I sleep, read, listen to music but all to no avail.

I guess it’s something that affects most of us at some time, and now is my time. So for anyone who works with me or sees me on a day to day basis, I’m sorry. Please bear with me if you have to repeat yourself, or remind me of something, it seems lack of sleep affects my mental capacity (although some of you might say there wasn’t much there to start with!). Thank you for being patient with me so far.

Oops, I did it again….

A very quick blog tonight as I forgot to put my phone on charge (again) while watching BGT Final, and now the battery is dangerously low (dangerous as I’m not sure how I’ll cope without the phone to read a book or listen to music, or indeed, write a blog which might be worth reading!)

It feels like I am coming through a lot of stuff that I have been struggling with, and I have felt at peace and (dare I say…) happy today. Months, even years ago, I have been given words and verses and they just never seemed to be for me, but today, I believe has been a turning point, and the words about joy are coming to fruition….

So…Life abundantly, joy comes after the weeping, restore my joy, the joy of the Lord is my strength and beauty instead of ashes and joy instead of mourning…. Joy really is a huge deal. 🙂

Sunshine

What a beautiful day it has been! I woke late, went to get food shopping for the week, then home, and have since been in the garden, barbeque, and relaxing (I even had an ale).

I’m indoors now (7pm) as I actually need to be indoors and in the shade for a bit (although it’s a shame to be in too much when the weather is as lovely as now).

We didn’t go far (I mean, I’d have loved the beach on a day like today, but it’s be heaving and would not be so much fun having to fight through crowds or the queuing traffic). We stayed in the garden at home but it was lovely.

Relaxing this evening watching TV and I think a fairly early night.

A sunny day does wonders for the mood, I’ve felt really happy today. I know it’s more than the good weather that has caused it, but it’s good all the same.

Changes = Fresh Start

A dramatic change of a hairstyle, new hair colour or just some highlights reflect our subconscious wish for changes. When we want to turn the page to a new chapter in our life, we start at the head. Sometimes an unpleasant experience is the reason, like an end of a relationship, death of a loved one or something else significant. We get rid of the pain in our past symbolically by cutting our hair and changing our hairstyle that somehow ties us to it says Lorella Flego.

I have to be admit, I think I kinda agree with this. You see although I colour my hair lots (I have plenty of grey to hide 😉) I have recently gone for a complete change in colour and style and it feels good. It feels like I’m a new person with a new beginning, I’m more positive and confident….it’s bizarre to thing that a change of style and/or colour could do that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still quiet, shy, introvert, but it’s almost like the slate has been wiped clean and the rubbish that has gone on and stuff I’ve done is wiped away.

Changes are happening, and rather than running from them, I’m embracing them. It’s scary to step outside of what we know, outside of our safe zone, but I believe that it’s outside of our comfort zone that we experience real excitement and joy. I want to live a full and exciting life, not just exist day to day.

So yes, I’m welcoming the changes and look forward to seeing what happens next/in the future.

I love the quote by Meg Cabot “…the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all!”